there used to be a friend of mine who died when we were in Grade 11 but this is not about her. Her death immortalized our friendship; even though i will always feel guilty for reasons that i do not know of. this is about a friendship that i lost recently...and realized how the loss of my friend through death was a lesser tragedy. for someone to exist in this world, for someone who meant more than at least the regular and the normal, to cease to exist in your world...i cannot describe the pain.
i have my own list of friends that i do not talk to anymore, and those whom i ignore and those who ignore me. this particular friendship i am talking about does not fall under any of those categories. i do not know if it even has a category. losing this friend meant losing my faith in friendship. all thoughts are coming in random threads of memories that i wish had started to fade away but they are getting stronger day by day. this particular friend of mine was all i counted in what i called a friendship.
it lasted more than it could, it survived my depression, it survived my mood swings and it even survived infinite re-telecasts of FRIENDS. but it could not survive longer. the crystal ball shattered into pieces that left all painful shards on the ground, revealing all insecurities, hurt and disappointment. this particular friend of mine will never know how huge an impact it made in my life.
this particular blog is not a fiction. this particular blog is not a journal entry. this particular blog will get lost in this infinite stream of virtual existence....all load of crap. but it will be my load of crap...does not sound so good...but i dont want to erase it. i dont want this to sound poetic. i dont want this to sound good...i want this to sound how it feels.
losing my friend...was losing all those years, may be not wonderful in its ideal sense but still wonderful to me...losing my friend has left me unable to trust in anyone, losing my friend has seeped into me a fear of losing the ones that i already have...losing him was like losing a part of me...cliche or not.
losing him was a luxury that i could not have afforded if it wasnt for the vanity of friendship...
losing him was a ship wreck only we both survived to see it crash and drown.
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