not everything can be "blogged" off. there will always remain that corner in your room where you will weep yourself to sleep. there will always be those countless rants that you burn off like memories were painful shards of glass, stubbornly etched into your heart. there will always be that someone who will defile your self-esteem. there will always be emotions that cannot be expressed in words.

i have been struggling with words. it is not a problem related to speech or vocabulary. it is something internal. like, the moment i feel, and the moment i start analyzing that feeling or that moment, some kind of a defect in the wiring of my nerves prevents me from just saying it out loud. blaming the nerves is pathetic. it is probably something that i have repressed. 

no no. i am not saying i cannot converse. i am not saying i cannot sound like an ass. i can still manage that. perfectly. 

just the more i speak, the more remains unsaid. 

the more i want to express, the more i fumble with words and expressions. sometimes, i just like to stare off into the distance and let it be. 

sometimes, the moment i utter the word, i feel exhausted. like, maybe "except" is not really a good word here because now i have to provide a contrary argument or statement. or i do not want to say it because that will lead to another sentence and i will have to use words and then you will say some more words and then i will say more words in turn, either in agreement or disagreement or mildness. see, mildness isn't really a good word to what i was trying to get at.

so as long as i refrain from saying it out loud, i avoid making mistakes. i feel a lot of it might have to do with how wary i am of fighting off with words. 

this blog is such an intimate space for me to be able to confess this, and i am glad. i am. 

p