There is an incessant ringing on my right ear. I have fallen in love with the sound by now; I think I will miss it after few weeks when it is gone.
The other ear; however,... and here I am thinking, why the heck am I here, typing this down instead of studying for tomorrow's exam. Somehow it is imperative for me to blog this out. This could probably be one of the most part of being me for the rest of my life. It has been bugging me and I have refused to show it; there is already too much going on around with my grandmother's operation.
I also thought of telling someone about this feeling; I thought of my aunt but realized we are no longer close (or the illusion of closeness still lurks around but really...). I thought of some of my friends, close ones, but the means of communication is not what I am comfortable with. I would want to break down, completely when telling this. Not that this is a big deal. That is what I have been assuring myself with.
I thought of you as well, but I am not that strong.
When the doctor told that there is no use, that the bone damage is permanent and the hearing will remain impaired, I did not know how to react. I felt my father beside me shift and realized even he did not know how to respond. He asked the doctor if there is something that can be done; the doctor must have been asked this question a lot many times. The doctor gave that look which I can't describe. I am bad with describing expressions on faces.
I thought of million things; the first thought was about this Korean chick flick that I was making fun of with a friend of mine. Then I thought of how I have always wanted to learn sign language. And then I thought of how dramatic I am. I have always been dramatic. I thought of buwa, who was already showing signs of his hyper-tension; and thought of mummy who will probably come up with couple of things that could have caused this - the freeze ko cold coke being the first.
I thought of you.
I thought of the irony of being an anthropologist whose hearing is impaired; listening might not really be a luxury anymore?
I thought of being melodramatic again. But deep inside, I felt this sadness. Not a big deal. Not a big deal. But deep inside, I felt this loss.
But I assure you, I am being dramatic.
I felt like I needed to break down at that point; but nothing happened.
I have an exam tomorrow; and I am lost amongst the papers; and all I want to do right now is cry and break down. But I have an exam tomorrow. I need to write for four hours about something. Something. Anything.
I have an exam.
But I needed to get this out of my system. For now. I will get back to being sad after the exam. Hahaha. I will. Saachi!!!
