its tough to be me...

oh its tough to be me...i tell you...what with the constant self doubt and loathe and complete wacked out sense of life...i think it is pretty tough to be me....OH JUST GET OUT OF YOUR BUBBLE...today was one of those horrible days when you have to face the reality and you know how much privileged you are and complaining is just lame....ya that is me...lame and that is why it is tough to be me....sigh...

i was waiting for the microbus, my friends laughing at one of the jokes A had made. ( i am just making this stuff..there was no joke and no laughing ..just the waiting)....ya so by the time two or three of the microbuses had come and gone....none of those carrying me in....a boy aged 9-10 came forward and asked for some money...i know i know you might think....awww....one of those ragged looking boys with dirty hands and feet and hungry....oh how could i not give him money right? ok now is the time to face the vanity and hypocrisy that i live with...i have the money to go into a pretty decent restaurant and have samosa chaat, i have some money to lend to my friend, i might even have money to buy an extra pen or a cute post-it or a new designed rubber band....ya...i might even have some 10 or 15 rupees somewhere in my pockets....but then here i decide to claim.."babu paisa chaina...dont have money...jau ..go....ask someone else...."....shit...

does this mean that and does this mean this is not what i want to ask or any of that sort....he literally went down to his knees and begged for some money...they have become pretty professional at that....he begged and was at a point of harassing me down...making me so uncomfortable that i finally said..."ok...here..i will give you some money"....i took out two rupees coin and handed him over...AHA....he moved one to another girl.....is it just me or are those boys always after girls....correct me if i am being way too gender biased. or am i trying to turn the table on my side....well whatever it is...

so after i made it sure that i had wasted a complete 2 rupees on a boy who would go down and buy the dendrite tube and smoke it out...PUFF....PUFF went all my complaints and vanities and sanities and i could think of nothing...nothing that could justify what had just happened. i felt terrible. i felt weak and i felt meek and i felt sick and i felt thick...thick with my needs and my desires and my petty purse that i carry around...

they smoke cause they want to numb the feeling of hunger, they fall down to the knees so that with them shedding away their shame we become ashamed...they know life in streets is not what the deal was...but they know streets is where they will get a space to sleep...and i know that my writing this story here may be able to pacify the guilt feeling and the lameness that i have to live with but i also know that the next time one of those boys will beg to me, i will again take out a 2 rupee coin and try to get him off me as soon as i can....

therefore it is pretty tough to be me....with my lame vanity, insane sanity...but it must be tougher to be out there in the streets....