I used to be a positive person; I saw optimism in everything. Nothing defeated me; even though I was a troubled teenager or an adolescent, at heart I was a positive person. I was innocent, not naive; I was inspired constantly and I always believed that somewhere down the lane, I would be a happy person.
I never noticed when I began to be a distressed soul. I burnt down my diaries, I threw away the letters, and I wrote poems of misery. I saved some photographs and framed them in a desperate attempt to remind myself that I was not alone. But all that done, I knew at my heart, I was broken. All that pessimism was addictive and once you get the high of it, you thrive on darkness.
Today, I come from a different place. I have learnt patience the hard way. The calm can never be achieved and the chaos never denied of. And, now that I come from a different place, I want to go back to the old me, at least the optimistic one. I want to smile and mean it, cry and mean it. I want to take that last leap of faith.
I never noticed when I began to be a distressed soul. I burnt down my diaries, I threw away the letters, and I wrote poems of misery. I saved some photographs and framed them in a desperate attempt to remind myself that I was not alone. But all that done, I knew at my heart, I was broken. All that pessimism was addictive and once you get the high of it, you thrive on darkness.
Today, I come from a different place. I have learnt patience the hard way. The calm can never be achieved and the chaos never denied of. And, now that I come from a different place, I want to go back to the old me, at least the optimistic one. I want to smile and mean it, cry and mean it. I want to take that last leap of faith.
welcome to my current world. Shall we walk together?
ReplyDelete:) i have been thinking honesty is the first step to this leap. thanks for such an earnest comment. i want to write about my vices, virtues (if i have any) and be honest about how i feel; live each of these experiences.
ReplyDeletethe last leap of faith. what does that mean? I ask that because i truly do not know what it means. sometimes, i get so frustated that im supposed to know all these things about myself, like whether im pessimistic or optimistic or what colour's my favourite. i dont know if im making any sense but what im trying to say is that when i read what you've written "i used to be a positive person.." it makes me realize i dont have anything like that to say about myself. I dont know if i used to be one thing and that ive changed or im the same. its frustating.but then i think "do i really need to?"
ReplyDeleteI dont know.
I apologise if this makes no sense, i guess its a bit of a rant.
hey :) i get what you mean. well, dont you think that we tend to say 'this is the last time i am doing this" or "this is the last chance" or "the last thread to hang on to" but then, the next time you always find another chance, another thread somehow and the previous one is no longer the last one but then, you always think "this is the last leap of faith i will take. i will believe in myself, i will try to think positive, change my eating habits, not think about this particular person :D" i do not know if i made it any clear but then like you said "do i really need to?" hoina ta? do all of our rants need answers, clarifications but then, without it, what is the meaning?
ReplyDeleteabout the not having a reference point to glance at and see how far you have come; or changed; i dont know. i guess i just had it different? i think this is just my attempt at simplifying my past and my present. it is far easier to say "i used to be a positive person" than "i used to be a person who had no clue of where life was at but still hoped for the best things to happen" ..well, it does sound better, but you get my point :D
yes, i understand what you're saying. but these days i cant help but think that i should stop asking myself these questions about what i am doing,etc. because you see, i cant answer any of those questions about myself. and who says i need to? i feel like i over complicate things by trying to sum it all up, as if i could possibly sum it all up!
ReplyDelete(of couse im talking about myself here, everyone has their way of dealing.)