some free time and a good amount of cheese, you would think ought to do it for a lonely heart. and add to that a piece of fiction that blurs on dream and reality, that ought to surely comfort someone with an excessive need for assurance. 

but sometimes, it feels like i hit rock bottom. sometimes it feels like despite all the love and friendship around me, what i am most scared of and most deprived of, is my own self. 

i have a pretty decent close circle of friends who always find ways to make me feel special; and an oddly dysfunctional yet adorable bunch of family members. i have a sibling, an elder one; or should i say two. but then, i have always grown up alone.

i grew up with a set of clothes that were always one size extra large for me; so i never got to grow out of them.

i grew up in a utopia sort of community, with a school, a playground, apple orchards, fox forest, strawberry farms, slanted, red roofed quarters and a bunch of kids. now i live in a chaos, somehow have gotten to  love it but still, there are times when i wonder why did we have to leave?

i grew up to Small Wonders. I still feel like if I will ever have a house of my own, it will be exactly like that of Vicky's. 

i guess, what i am trying to say here is there are times, most of the time, when i feel i do not need to express what i am feeling. i  shy away from assertions. but at times, i burst out and when i do, i think people see a different side of me. recently, my friend arrived and i was listening to her and most of the times, i can feel like she treats me like a kid who knows nothing. i let it be. but one time, i could not control myself and i just burst. and like anything, she acted like she was being the more 'understanding' one and giving the quarrel up. i could see it in her eyes. i could see it the way she reacted to my outburst. i felt sad. we have been friends since school but we have changed a lot. i was disappointed because for her, i am constant but expects me to listen to how much her life has changed. she asks me 'is there a crush recently? (of course in my life)' and actually is ready to listen to me say no. 

yes, freaking yes, i have crushes. i have had crushes. i fall in love with strangers. i find boys attractive!!! for god's sake, yes, i am normal. i do have crushes!! freaking crushes!!! i am not a zombie. for her, perhaps, the possibility of a zombie having a crush is greater than me falling for someone.

what is so great about it anyway!! it only ends up crushing you. 

i fall in love with words, poems, blogs, faces, stories, books, friends. i do. believe me.

yes, my friend, i do have crushes. care to perhaps listen for once?

(with a lot of hurt)