I keep looking for someone to appear online (however furtively I choose to appear offline)! I do not get it! Freaking do not get it. Why am I looking for someone? What is it with me? Either it is "I am too lonely" or "Leave me alone"; no wonder I am giving mixed signals everywhere....well everywhere is an exaggeration. I really do not have life outside Chabahil right now.

But that is me; the conflict between loneliness and cynicism; or rather a blend of both. Conflict is too dramatic.

I read about people; how they have found love and along with it 'roles' that they have to fill in, how they are angst with the wait, and how love is indefinitely overrated. Or not. I envy them for they have some grounds to found their bias on. I remain, or better, float above the grounds of reality and under the realm of imagination; crushed by the fact that I choose this to finding love. And the fact that this choice is mine; not something that I had to deal with. I made the choice. I make it constantly. Perhaps this is what she meant when talking about being open.

I choose to stay closed up. There is a comfort to it; this ability to just be with oneself; there are expectations but you can deal with it, there are consequences but you can face it, there are moments of despair but you get or make attempts to get over it, moving on is much easier. Or all of this, and the opposite. With someone else in life, expectations need to be matched, negotiated, complimented and fulfilled; consequences need to be shared, to be blamed onto each other, and denied; despair befalls along with desperation and dependency; and moving on is simply not possible.

Being closed up is potentially not healthy. Being open leaves with too many guesses though. It makes me giddy to even think about it.

My very close friend just went through a break-up. But it feels like I am going through it; constantly being exposed to what and how it did not work out. I hate this. I think my close friend is better off now but I definitely do not want to be pulled in into her life. Isn't that so mean? I meant: me, I sound so mean! But seriously, I am not really a 'relationship'-person; in every other sense. I respect my friend but I could care very less about her relationship. I would want the same thing from her. Is this weird. To feel this way. This inability to empathize with her? Or sympathize?

She told me: This is why I love talking to you; because you just listen.

See; clearly a date-able person. I listen. Very attentively. I do not judge nor do I interfere with the flow of the other person's expressions. But I guess, me eating a lot would cancel out that particular talent of mine.

I was slightly offended at how the reason she loved me as a friend was because I listen. I guess that is one characteristic you are always looking for a friend. True. Completely. But I am going to tell you guys one thing: in my 23 years of life, I have never had a friend who listened to me. Truly. Hundred percent. Devoted. (And you must be thinking have I listened to someone truly, hundred percent, devoted. My answer is yes.) Am I being mean? Yes. I am. But I have felt that for a long time. Usually at times when I am 'listening' to my friends. I have good, very close friends. Some of you might be reading this right now. And wondering, where is this coming from? Or not.

I might be intentionally trying to be vile because it is already 1 am.

(I AM NOT GOING TO EDIT OR CUT OUT ANY PART OF WHAT I ORIGINALLY WROTE IN THIS POST.)