As soon as I wrote my previous post, I had an urge to delete it. I wanted to delete it like millions of other posts that I have written with similar feelings of desperation and loneliness; wanted to delete the post like many of those feelings that I constantly disguise under the veil of a "good listener". I wanted to fling it into that "memory" slot in Orwell's 1984, if there are no written records, it was never felt or heard of, would that make me feel less naked?
Although my blog is private and only few of my friends have access to it, I was ashamed to share it. Because I know, among those very few who have an access to this blog, there are ones who read it and listen to my thoughts, there are ones who respect my privacy and not mention it to me the very next day we meet for aaloos, there are ones who give me a ping on gmail because they know I will be online and there are those very few ones who do ask me "what's going on in your life"..."tell me"..." i am here". These are those very few friends that I intend to say sorry for my previous post because I know you do listen to me, even if I hesitate to share.
A lot of it has to do with me. I was almost apologetic about my previous post, ashamed, embarrassed to speak out in such a mean manner. I have always been reserved in putting up an impression. Recently did I come to know: it is called "performativity". There goes my academic wise ass. I never 'want' to be mean. Something very odd about that, I think. Not 'wanting' to be mean does not compensate for 'being' mean at heart?
Although my blog is private and only few of my friends have access to it, I was ashamed to share it. Because I know, among those very few who have an access to this blog, there are ones who read it and listen to my thoughts, there are ones who respect my privacy and not mention it to me the very next day we meet for aaloos, there are ones who give me a ping on gmail because they know I will be online and there are those very few ones who do ask me "what's going on in your life"..."tell me"..." i am here". These are those very few friends that I intend to say sorry for my previous post because I know you do listen to me, even if I hesitate to share.
A lot of it has to do with me. I was almost apologetic about my previous post, ashamed, embarrassed to speak out in such a mean manner. I have always been reserved in putting up an impression. Recently did I come to know: it is called "performativity". There goes my academic wise ass. I never 'want' to be mean. Something very odd about that, I think. Not 'wanting' to be mean does not compensate for 'being' mean at heart?
i enjoyed reading your last post and i'm glad you didn't delete it. when something is truly felt, whatever the feeling is,it's always better than "today, i went for a run",etc.
ReplyDeleteaniways, i just wanted to say, even though we've never msned or skyped and don't really write emails to each other, i come here pretty much everyday to see what you've written and how you're going..i'm not of much use but still, i'm here(that might sound cheesy but it's what it is! :D)
Dont blame yourself for feeling that way. I feel that way many times. Its normal. Its not being mean. Its being honest. A warm hug for you my love <3
ReplyDeletedont't worry, this is totally cool.
ReplyDelete