sorry

you have just made it so easy for me,
lent me a shoulder to lean on,
memories to hold on to,
hugs and kisses that will remain forever,
laughter and some more,

you have just made it so easy for me,
to this loneliness and bizarre-ness,
this shifting mind, complicating, over-thinking mess,
this stifling sense of i-can't-do-this,

and all i can do is
write a poem,
or a sort of,
about how you have just made it so easy for me

even now my hands instinctively grab for the phone
and my mind begins to dial the digits (i know you will love the alliteration in it)
and even now, my heart skips a beat (cliche, cliche indeed)
when you look at me with that "sparkling" (literally!) eyes,

and that sprawled figure in gray(grey?)
will be etched in my brains FOREVER!

but seriously,
apologies (and I said this before you could)
for the jerk I was/am?
for still wanting to lean on to you,
for still clinging onto the memories,
for wanting and to be wanted

but I have been wanting to email you this
but did not have the guts to
because i know you,
you are the ever-infinite-within-and-the-ever-humble-without-the-world's-care,

Apologies,
for I was/am weak,
and will never be able to stand for what i feel,
or think i feel,
or think i should feel,
or maybe i don't have any feelings,
or wait, what does it mean to feel,
is it the truth,
a truth,
truths with multiple faces,
does that make me insane?

Apologies,
for I was/am so ruthlessly uncertain
that i drag along you into this,
I mean i don't even know if I want my "i"s upper case or lower case?
that I have no answers,
that I have no answers,
that I have no answers,
and I have no answers,
and have no answers,
and have no answers,
and no answers,
and answers,
and answers,
and you
and me
we worked well,
we did, din't we?
wasn't it enough -
to convince...

Apologies,
for this.
Don't know why,
but sorry is the only word I am confident about...

but you know what,
you taught me
what it is to love
to be loved
to be made to feel so special
and special is what i felt
every time you made a gesture of honesty

tell me,
was i honest?
was i a fake?
was i perhaps infidel to the thoughts
that bound us?
is that why I just let go?

I was telling A earlier
about how you have made is so easy for me,
your humor and energy,
you are so clueless about it, aren't you?
you don't even know what a treasure you are,
and what a fool i am

but still, can i hug you,
sometimes?
to just feel that warmth so that i can feel less guilty about things
can i hug you until my arms hurt,
to just make myself believe that the pain is real,
can i hug you when i feel a little faint,
from all that walking, and talking, and laughing, and silent farting?
can i hug out all the hurt?
can i hug in all the humbleness you have?
can i hug you
for who you are?

No matter what, I love you. I know I could never say that out loud when we were "we"; but suddenly, I want to tell you how much I love you.
How much I love you for making this so easy for me,
how much I love you for being there for me
how much i love you for sharing the love of bookshops,
and coffee mugs, and soup bowls,
and reading newspaper in the paati, slurping down the sketching-dingy-looking-tea shop's tea
and walking all the way from nothingness to micro-sweaty-ness
and for the yoga mat,
and for the moleskine,
(were you serious about the broken shoe?),
and for the striped pairs of socks,
and for the fish and the turtle,
and for the company throughout the night (you do know, that is when i feel the loneliest?)
and for the cycling and hiking up the gumba,
I am practically trying to list down all the things we did together
but also hoping that we will continue to,
because I love you,
I do.

I love you endlessly,
unceasingly,
with all my energy.