A year off is all I need; I want to be able to think calmly without deadlines looming over my head, I want to be able to draw but draw meaningful things, I want to just take a break. I want to read books, both fiction and non-fiction, I want to catch up to the world news+local news, I want to sleep properly.
It is a lot of pressure; friends have started coming back finishing their Masters degree and already started planning to go back, some friends have already left and think will never come back, some got married, some had kids; it scares me the way they have made these decisions in their lives. How can they or could they have been so certain? Or worse, if they were never certain, how could they even make the decision?
And then there is that lack of confidence when it comes to believing in myself. But no, no, I am not only being modest, I also realize that there are various gaps in my understanding. And, that is exactly why you need to try this out and then fill in those gaps...you would think...but I just cant wrap my head around it! Why?
It is not that I am not happy here; I have a good close circle of friends, family even if they are dispersed, and other stuff to keep me occupied.
but I still cannot articulate my thoughts properly.
The thing is: I know I am doing ok, probably better than few people; I also know that I will be fine. But what I do not know is when is the right time to say, "Hey, I need a break" without being vain and preoccupied with things that arent important. When is it right to say, "Look you have some serious time management problem...you dont know how you came to that, but the fact is you have the problem; and until and unless you figure that out......" So, when am I supposed to figure that out? Like now? When I am supposed to be filling up forms and what nots? Or after that? Or isnt the fact that I cant or wont be able to fill up those forms the cause of that? not making any sense any more, am i?
Well, and then there are people finding love; and being certain about it....well, that is a bummer.
I need a year off to figure things out...I know that but I am just too scared to take that year off.
I am already 26.
You know sometimes you look outside the micro, and see people just passing by, and then you think, can they think the way i am thinking right now? this acute sense of being. I fear, I will be one of those people passing by...insignificant. Not that they are insignificant, but they just appear to be insignificant. When did I come to fear mundane so much?
The thing is, in my "field", if I do choose to pursue this field, I need to have "areas of interest" they say, because now clearly it is not only about me wanting to pursue higher education, it is about fitting in some professor's academic interests.
The world should have ended.
Things would have been much easier.
Maybe, I am just not scared of dying. I am scared of getting stuck in this "phase" forever.
But the thing is, even if I were to take a year off, I wont be able to take a year off.
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