for the lack of any better word: Bug

i have let myself drown into black and white pages of my course materials

it is far better than the turmoil of solitude

the manic depressive attacks after all the laughter

i can't tell why i am this way

this way that leads to nowhere

so i decided i will not give in to these 'episodes'

and not giving in meant not writing

not giving in meant not succumbing to emotions

i can't tell why i am this way

this way that leads to complete, stark naked gloom

and as i stopped writing

ranting

prancing around exposing my emotions

these 'episodes' started to disappear.

but today, a friend of mine sent me a link to my own blog

and flashes came about

in bouts

and i also realize how i have missed them

unnecessarily

how i have wanted to feed into it

and drown myself into the psychedelic pages of these ‘episodes’

maybe this is another one of those delirium

where i make myself believe

that these ‘episodes’ are real

and these ‘episodes’ are permanent

and these ‘episodes’ are absurdly mine

gutted inside out

for everyone of you to gawk at